I’ve met too many men who loved my surface but feared my depth. I’m a crazy, chaotic maelstrom of laughter and warmth, happiness and nostalgia. I’m a hurricane of feelings and words, twisted and entwined in one sweep of existence. I’ve accepted my soul’s truth and complexity and I won’t apologize for it.
It didnt matter that the sky above us was exploding into a myriad of colors. I could not hear anything but his laugh, I could not see anything but his smile. The beautiful lights were nothing like the twinkle in his eyes. Everything was magical and mesmerizing, and like us, over too soon.
There is something about our sweet destruction that is so irresistible to the senses. Day by day, I am becoming accustomed to the crashing, the breaking, the wild, spinning-madly-out-of-control bliss as our language. I look forward to waking up with you coffee ground into my spine, as my body melts in your hands like heroin on spoon, attempting to spell addiction in my pulse.
I don’t remember you tasting like anything other than last night’s alcohol, yesterday’s could be’s, and this morning’s regrets. I remember you like my wine glass, more than half full of air and broken promises. Although my body still aches of places you called home, this only happened because it was too dark for me to tell the difference between concrete and collarbone.
What we had wasn’t love, maybe it was loneliness, maybe it was lust, maybe it was simply wanting to feel again. Yet somewhere along the way, we made the silent decision to call it love because neither of us really knew what we were. Giving monsters pretty names doesn’t change anything.
I am more lioness than girl. I am more snarl than smile. I am not the silent type purring sighs into your chest. The way that I will scream your name is more roar than moan, as my nails claw the flesh of your backbone. I am the insatiable beast of the night and morn.
Save for the moments between sunset and darkness, when your fingertips find the curve of my waist, and you pull my raging form tight against our heaving breaths and heartstrings.
For a while now, I have always thought of getting old as some horrific monster threatening to strangle the life out of me. Although people around me don’t really say it, I’ve felt this incredible pressure to fit into the same social construct that generations of women before me have traditionally fit into with ease: that of a wife and a mother. Every year, I give myself a self-imposed deadline to accomplish this feat.
But over the years, I can honestly say that not only do I no longer give a single fuck about anyone’s social constructs, I’ve cared less and less about his and her towels, bridal gowns, or the expiration date of my ovaries.
What I do care about is loving well and being loved, waking up to a job that excites and fulfills me, having enough down time to do the things that are important to me, and surrounding myself with enough people, music, art, and poetry to feed my soul.
I’ve decided that there is no room in my life for abstract concepts, so I’ve learned to let them go.
If there’s one thing I hate about moving, its signing up to home services anew. When I went to PLDT Urdaneta, I was informed that I can request for a move/transfer of my internet service seamlessly. All I had to do was make a request in PLDT La Trinidad.
So I first went there on August 18, filled up the form and sketched my area for surveying. I was informed that it was going to take at least a month to get surveyed. I know! La Trinidad is such a big area and I’m surprised that they do not have enough manpower. There was only 1 customer service and only 1 cashier in their small office. I was told that they were going to call me once everything was ready.
Fast forward to today, still no internet! I have been very patient waiting for their call. I was using the prepaid LTE router, which is pretty good, if not for the data cap which I abhor. So I went to PLDT La Trinidad to follow up, arrived quarter to 1 pm, thinking I can get ahead of the line while the customer service was on lunch break.
It’s 3:20 pm and the customer service was still on break! Lol. I mean seriously! And then they close at 5:30pm. What can you accomplish at that amount of time? People were getting furious and one of the women waiting was already creating a commotion.
I am baffled at how crappy the service is. I mean i f you know that people are waiting for you, will you really take your sweet time and let them wait for more than 2 hours? What company tolerates lunch breaks for more than 2 hours?
The terrible thing is, PLDT has a monopoly of the internet service. Globe unfortunately does not have service in my area. I do hope the internet service with BENECO pushes through. We need a break from PLDT’s incompetent customer service.